Dear User: March 31, 2010

First in a series

 

Dear User:

 

I understand that working with your computer is much like dealing with some bargain-basement deity whose unpredictable nature is only overcome by his ability to help you turn your words into paychecks. I’m also keenly aware that you’ve heard about “The Hackers”, and how they will use your PC to explode kittens in front of sad orphans all because someone told you that using caps lock too much allows “The Hackers” to put on 3D goggles and swim through cyberspace to get to your PC. And I know you are very wary about viruses, especially after suffering through some real doozies that snuck in and rampaged through our environment like Andy Dick locked in overnight at a pharmacy.

 

So I get it – you’re flinchy, somewhat terrified, of this terrible and unpredictable box of demonic helper monkeys on your desk.

 

But really, for the love of FUCK – STOP FORWARDING ME ATTACHMENTS THAT YOU THINK COULD BE A VIRUS[1]. Seriously – DON’T. If you get a cold, you don’t jab a hole in your finger, stick in your doctor’s mouth, and shout “DOES THIS TASTE LIKE HERPES TO YOU?”.

 

So stop it. Please. The life you save will be your own.

 

[1] OMG I JUST LET HACKERS IN