Holy Fucking Shit March 12, 2010
As a teenager, I was mercilessly teased and bullied, and the rumor flew around that I was gay, and it stuck. Amongst all the other epithets that did get appended to me, high school was an absolute crucible of misery, self-loathing, and burning shame. It didn’t matter that my sexual orientation was straight, that I had had a girlfriend – being gay was the biggest insult they could hurl at me. And most of the teachers did not give a shit. And this was the early 90’s, in Mill Valley, CA, for fuck’s sake.
It was used as such an effect verbal cudgel against me, that even though my sister had come out a few years earlier, that I had been introduced to and spent time with some truly amazing people whose sexuality, amazingly enough, didn’t dictate that they had a repulsive or stereotypical personality, that the very mention of it had to be met with an equally vehement “I’m not a fucking queer – that’s sick, fuck you”. And knowing full well that the only way I had to blunt that sort of bullying (even though it was only the slightest deflection) was to buy into that crap, was a truly terrible thing. It also left me feeling supremely panicky about my own sexuality for a few years, because even though being gay wasn’t bad, it sure was difficult and stigmatized and oh god I looked at that Red Hot Chili Peppers sock poster too long oh god WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
It was years before I was finally able to walk the walk of real equality in my head, even though I talked the talk. If my sister was a reasonably normal person (for a given value of normal), then why, this could apply to other people too! And all of that, in my head, is just from being mis-labeled as a means of bullying, even when I clearly was hetero.
The fact that she’s able to stand up for this should be celebrated. At that age, in our culture, this is a rare and wonderful thing, and it puts a community at a crossroads where they can understand the essential humanity of everyone, regardless of what sex they’re wired to be attracted to. Here is a golden opportunity, and they are so intent on squandering it that they would rather prove their point by petulantly denying everyone the opportunity to attend prom.
But what’s worse is how this codifies hate for an entire generation in that community. While sexual tolerance was mostly given lip service when I went to high school, disparaging remarks were frowned upon, and on occasion, punished. To have to attend a school where they’ve taught the students that this is such a horrible thing, that it must be hidden from sight at all costs? What will the price be paid down the line? Bullying? Beatings?
Suicide?
The continued cherry-picking of biblical verses to support bigotry, while willfully ignoring the inconvenient ones, is one that baffles me. To see a reminder that we still haven’t learned, collectively, saddens me. For every Constance, who can stand up and be able to say no, I won’t own your bigotry and I won’t own any shame for being me, there are so many that are unable to. They’re the ones who pay the price for this. And everyone in that story is being taught the lesson that someone is worth less than others, because of who they love.
Holy fucking shit. I still can’t believe we’re here, and that we still have to have this discussion.