This is a really hard read... January 6, 2011
… and it’s really unpleasant. This is the suicide note left by Bill Zeller, apparently a well-respected and liked coder. As a young boy, he was molested by a family member, and it left a dark void in him that he could never fill, let alone heal.
It’s an important reminder of how the scars that have been inflicted upon us, and we may inflict upon others, do more than wound at the time. They make us question ourselves so completely and utterly that those questions become another full-fledged voice in our heads and hearts, questioning everything and coloring it with negativity… so you can’t have coffee with just a friend, because that voice is at the table too providing color commentary. When people act stand-offish or abrupt, it’s often because part of who they are is busily arguing with them.
I know that the things I’ve gone through have fed and nurtured that voice mightily. But I am also fortunate to come to a place where I can see that voice for what it is, and have the means to try and starve it, to tune it out. It’s a vast struggle internally, and knowing that the 3rd invisible person from my head is always there in the room with me and my wife, or with a friend, or even eavesdropping on a business phone conversation is hard and taxing. But it can get better – it has for me.
If you would take anything away from this post, I hope it would be this: Admitting that the voice is there is terrifying, because it means that once in the light, you cannot suffer its presence without consciously kowtowing to it. And understanding its lies, putting its words in the context of the entire truth, is a never-ending task that can be terrifically brutal at times. But it does make things better.
And if you’re hurting, it’s okay to hurt. Just ask for help.